A Very LBFA Christmas

[Maxy Barnard]

Barry Allen, the one and only Flash, high as hell and carrying boxes overflowing with fecal matter and dead rats (as well as the corpse of The Atom, much to the horror of our trio).

"Heeeeeey, guuuuys. I got you presents! Presents in boxes! Take the boxes!" He said, stumbling up to them in a daze.

Cautiously, Euge and Chris opened their boxes, craven optimism beating out the knowledge of the terrifying and stinky contents. This optimism paid off, as the true contents revealed themselves to be magic portals, sucking them through to some unknown destination.

Curt's box, did in fact, just contain shit.

All the same, the trio leapt into their portals (Curt bumming a ride through Euge's), and in a sequence strangely plagiaristic of that time tunnel opening of Doctor Who were transported to...

[Koltreg]

two alternate dimensions - one where Chris went that was inhabited only by Geoff Johns because of a nanovirus turned all of men, women and animals into copies of the head of DC. Luckily the virus had died out 10 years ago because of a fatal Windows error.

Meanwhile Curt and Euge were tossed down on a bridge over a river. The man next to them said to nobody in specific "My god, this world would be better without me. I just make everyone's life worse. I, Ebenezer Scrooge am a horrible banker." Curt and Euge looked at each other and ...

[Name]

Started advancing towards him. They glanced at each other to confirm they were thinking the same thing, and commenced to enact their plan. Euge hit the banker over the head, and Curt stole all his stuff, leaving him in a convenient alleyway.

Meanwhile, Chris faced down the mass of Johnses, each striving for a horrible, dickish pun to spout now that there was another person there, and asked, "Excuse me, would you tell me how I would go about getting home?"

The Johnses deliberated amongst themselves, and came to the conclusion that Chris would be best helped by...

[Maxy Barnard]

having his hand cut off in a two page double splash. How this worked in the faux-reality of this story is unknown, but off Chris' hand went, doubling him over in pain as the Johnsian swarm hefted him up and carried him off to their hive, where he was brought, stump still bleeding, before the true Geoff Johns, who, as a recompense for chris' hand, offered him any one wish.

Chris, delirious from blood loss and alone in a sea of Geoff Johns, mulled this offer over, and wished for...

[zebrazygotes]

a new hand, made of dick pills.

Unfortunately, Geoff Johns does not have magic powers. Chris passed out from the blood loss as the Johns legion carried him away, chanting about their new, de facto hero.

Meanwhile, Curt and Eugene went to stock in their bounty. Sadly, Scrooge only carries a checkbook and house keys in his pocket, but Euge now had a sweet cane. The duo wandered through the streets of London until they found Scrooge's house.

They unlocked the door and found...

[Name]

A fortune in dick pills, with a note:

By the time you read this, I will already be dead. I have sunk my money into a useless pile of these bitter candies, and I regret it more than any choice I have made in my life. Goodbye cruel world, and choke on these fucking pills.
-
E. Scrooge

P.S. Jacob Marley can bite my wrinkly nutsack.

"Do you know what this means, Curt?"
"The guy had a wrinkly nutsack?"
"No, No! It means we can be millionaires! This being Victorian England, there's bound to be enough limp dicks for a dick pill business to rule the roost! The boner roost!"
But as their dreams of an empire of stiff cocks grew in their minds, the door flew open to reveal, wild-eyed and armed with a period-accurate rifle, was...

[Maxy Barnard]

Chris Haley, one-armed and inexplicably with an eyepatch, looking about 5 years older than the last time they saw him.

"MY PEOPLE! I COME TO YOU NOW WITH A GRAVE WARNING, ABOUT THE FUTURE! You must come with me now, else christmas be lost FOREVER!" he boomed.

"oh hey, Chris. Look at how many dickpills we have. Do you want some?" Curt responded.

[MoustachePants]

"Dick Pills?" Pirate Chris responded, "How think ye, I lost me eye? These Dick Pills be not what they seem, it's not all peaches and whipped cream! Come on now, up to the sky!"

"Well," Curt pensively remarked to Eugene, now inexplicably clad in a suit made of skinned Tygra and 'Coon Skin Cap made from D-Man's beard, "his rhyming may be insufferable, but if there's something wrong with the dick pills, we can't let the Christmas Boners down!"

And so Euge and Curt climbed into Future Chris' arm cavity and set forth towards the clouds...

[Name]

"So what's the big threat? Skunkapes? Ratmen? Racist Galactus? Cheesy Poofs? Boner Mongeese?"
Chris, gravely, and gravelly...ly, intoned, "No."
Euge, exasperated, near-shouted, "Don't dance about it, just tell us!"
Curt could only stare past the two, stunned. Slack-jawed and dead-eyed, he could only say, in the most horrified tone human ears have heard, "It's..."

[Maxy Barnard]

"DC comics. They're going to reboot christmas, releasing a virus that turns EVERYONE into Geoff Johns. It's horrid. They... They took my balls, guys. And my hand. That too. And they do it... With the dickpills"

"but how do we stop this horrid event coming to pass?" Euge rapped.

"well," Chris began, "I think we have to...